BDSM 101: Pre-Negotiation Your Next Play Party Experience

BDSM 101 Pre-Negotiating Your Next Play Party Experience Play

Parties can be a fun, safe place to let inhibitions go in the company of other like-minded kinksters. They also can be intimidating and confusing to navigate play when you arrive ready to have some kinky fun but unsure how to approach possible play partners and talk about what you are looking to get into “on the fly”.

Typical bath house etiquette doesn’t always work as well in a dungeon play space if you’re looking for more than a little “vanilla latte” cock sucking. Being able to approach someone you don’t know and ask to be pissed on or tied up takes a lot of chutzpah if you’re not a seasoned kinkster.

So how do you begin to explore the kinkier side of life if you’re new and curious?

The easiest way is to pre-negotiate a kink play scene before the actual play party. Talk to other guys at the leather/gear nights at the local bars, attend classes and other social gatherings were like minded guys gather without the pressure of making immediate decisions to play. Conversation starters such as: “I went to a play party recently and saw a couple guys playing with electro- stim kits, and it looked hot, have you ever tried that? or “I’m really interested in exploring bondage and CBT but haven’t found someone I trust to explore”.  Perhaps you saw someone engaged in a type of kink play at a party you attended, you could say: “I saw you doing a Watersports scene with a few boys at the last play party, that’s something I’m interested in exploring” or “I watched you paddle that boy’s ass last week and it really turned me on”

Opening these dialogues in a social setting ease the way into making plans to pre-set a kink play scene at the next play party. Once you’ve determined you’d both like to play a particular scene, set a time to meet at the party, scope out the space you’d like to use, and set a start time.

Negotiate your boundaries both prior to and at the party right up to the point that the scene begins. If you’re unsure how to negotiate, begin by expressing what turns you on and what things you have tried in the past that really did it for you. Tell them your limits and if you don’t know your limits make sure you’ll have a way to communicate them during play when you’re feeling the need to slow down/change the direction or stop the play altogether.

Remember, Consent can be revoked at any time. You always have the right to say stop. Using the universal safe words RED (stop) YELLOW (slow down, but please don’t stop) GREEN (harder motherfucker, keep it coming!) is a best practice way to handle Consent during a play scene.

Don’t forget to take some time after play to make sure your play mate is OK. Aftercare in BDSM play is very important and should also be talked about prior to play as well as afterwards.  Now here’s the second benefit you’ll notice about going into a play party with a play scene scheduled: it breaks the ice with the others at the party.  Other party goers may come up and tell you how hot the scene was to watch or that they’d love to play with you sometime after watching. All of a sudden, you’re not wandering around trying to find a possible play mate, but they are coming up to you.  On the flip side, you become easier to approach because they have a reason to initiate a conversation. It’s a win/win situation.

So in conclusion, don’t pout about how hard it is to find play partners at a play party, do a little pre-planning and your evenings at the dungeon are guaranteed to be less intimidating and a whole lot more fun.

This post was written by Michael Sanders for blackBOOTS.  BDSM 101 are a series of small posts about topics pertaining to BDSM culture/lifestyle.  If you have questions, please post below.  You can find out more about blackBOOTS by visiting their page here.

5 thoughts on “BDSM 101: Pre-Negotiation Your Next Play Party Experience

  1. I’ve never been to one of the events for the kink group, but I’m interested in meeting new people and exploring new things. I’m a little nervous and shy at times.

  2. To whom it may concern,

    I have spent the last 20 minutes attempting to get information on each group. I was incredibly excited to see if I could find a group that I would be able to join. Sadly I know very little additional information after the twenty minutes.
    All but one of the group links are currently broken. Any contact stack forms that had been initially embedded have evaporated.
    I hope that by leaving a comment I can
    1) bring these issues to the admins attention
    2) beg a group member/leader to contact me.

    My contact information is :
    Name: Annabelle
    Email: Thecolorsandplaces@protonmail.com

    My questions are
    1) I am a woman.
    – are there any co-ed or just women groups?
    It seems like from what I can see there is only male groups
    – if there is coed or female only, can I get a brief description and contact information?

    2) how does one participate in this?
    -forms
    -sponsorship
    -fees

    3) is the calendar updated? Are those events for 2018?

    Thank you so much in advance for getting back to me. I appreciate an answer to any of these questions.

    Annabelle

    1. Hi Annabelle,

      There are pansexual (co-ed) groups all over Utah. If you join Fetlife.com you will find the path and the menagerie groups along with Flog in Ogden. If you are between the ages of 18 and 35, the TNG group is also pansexual.

    2. Hey Annabel I’ve been looking for a group that may be co -ed but it seems to be specificity male. Have you found anything yet?

    3. Haha I didn’t know what pan sexual was until I read the comment below soooo I found this great site called Rocky Mountain rebellion it’ll give you info on all the events up coming fees dates dress code time, all of it 🤦‍♂️

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *